So, we’ve been here in Texas for a few weeks now. I must say, that for the most part, the stereotypes of Texans are pretty dead on. Super friendly people, mostly conservative (except for here in Austin), and GOOD BBQ! But, there are a couple of idiosyncrasies Texans have that I just can’t understand. Mainly, why they all are so willing to talk about their hemorrhoids.
Yes, hemorrhoids. I have come to figure that the majority of Texans suffer from hemorrhoids, and I’m not sure why. But I know one thing…they sure do like to talk about it. I mean, we had only been in town for a day or two when our new neighbors were inviting us to go and get some “ass cream” together. Then, my first day at work, someone came over and told us that he was going to “pick up some ass cream” and wanted to know if anyone else needed any…everyone but me took him up on the offer. Wow…what are the chances.
Then our first day in our new ward at church, we had another family say that we “should all get together for some ass cream sometime.” I’m sorry folks, but I don’t need ass cream, at least not at the moment. Pretty sure I’ve got an aunt or two that might need some (one of them lives in Texas…so she probably needs some really badly), but I don’t. And, please don’t offer to shake my hand after talking about your “ass cream.”
What’s worse is that next Saturday, our Church is hosting an “ass cream” social. Now that’s an image I just can’t get out of my head!
Oh, and true to Texas form (always bigger and better), Texans have their own brand of “ass cream” that I guess is better than preperation H, I think they call it “blue bell.” I’m not sure what it is that is causing hemorrhoids in Texas….but I am searching frantically for preventitive measures. I’ll let you know what I find.
June 22nd, 2009
Yes, this is a rhetorical question. The answer is obviously never - unless of course you’re a prop 8 supporting liberal.
I find it ironic, yet not surprising given the double standards that the left seem to live by, that liberals in this country think that it’s ok to fight against hate, while at the same time advocting hate. Doesn’t make much sense does it? But apparantly, liberals think it makes perfect sense, because that’s precicely what many liberals are doing.
You’ve proabably heard about all the protests over California’s proposition 8 banning Gay Marriage. Opponents of Prop 8 have claimed from the start that proposition 8 is a “hate bill.” And that it’s not ok to hate. If you’ve watched the news you’ve probably seen the protesters rallying around churches across the country waving protest signs, and chanting “Prop 8 breeds hate.” I accept their premise that it’s not ok to hate. I don’t feel prop 8 is a hate bill, but I do agree that it’s not ok to hate others, or advocate violence against those who may have differences of opinions, or live different lifestyles. Hate isn’t ok, under any circumstance - unless of course you’re a liberal, and and can employ the infamous “double standard clause” afforded liberals. That must be the reason that some liberals are advocating hate, and sometimes violence against supporters of proposition 8.
Several liberal websites have popped up on the internet contain lists of businesses, individuals, churches, etc who donated, or supported proposition 8. Some of those websites provide addresses, phone numbers, maps, etc., and advocate hate and violence towards those who support prop 8. So, again my question. When is it ok to hate other people? Only if you’re a liberal, and it serves your own purposes.
February 5th, 2009
I got this email from a friend, and I couldn’t agree more with what was said in the email. Now, I don’t know if the email is factual, but the programs in it are. I checked it out. I think the author’s sentiment hits the nail on the head with some of the major issues our country is facing with immigration, and public policy. We’re spending an un-godly amount of money educating illegal immigrants, paying for their childcare, health care, and food stamps, when there are so many American families stuggling to provide for their children. Many American families can’t provide the basic necessities for their families, let alone provide a college education for them. Yet, illegal immigrants can sneak into the country and get food, childcare, and education for nothing.
Now, lest any of you accuse me of being racist, let me remind you of one thing. My wife is an Immigrant. But, she came in through the front door. Did it legally. I think that LEGAL immigration is one thing that made this country great. However, the immigrants that made this country great came here willing to work hard, and they came in through the front door. They didn’t come here looking for a hand-out, but rather for a hand-up. They came here to work hard, not to sit on their asses and mooch off of hard working Americans, in other words - they were part of a solution, not a large problem. Today’s immigrants (for the most part) have a sense of entitlement. They feel entitled to this program, and that program. Like we as Americans owe them something for sneaking into our country. Let me spell it out…for you. We don’t owe them SHIT! In fact, probably the other way around. You our America your allegiance, your loyalty, and some hard work. Stop mooching off of the system and give back! Work hard, be a part of the solution and stop being a part of the many problems this country faces. Can I get an Amen?
Here is the email my friend sent me:
Letter from a Florida teacher……………. A teacher speaks
This is a subject close to my heart. Do you know that we have adult students at
the school where I teach who are not US citizens and who get the PELL grant,
which is a federal grant (no pay back required) plus other federal grants to go
to school?
One student from the Dominican Republic told me that she didn’t
want me to
find a job for her after she finished my
program, because she was getting
housing from our housing department and she was getting a PELL grant which paid
for her total tuition and books, plus money leftover.
She was looking into WAIT which gives students a CREDIT CARD for gas to come
to school, and into CARIBE which is a special program (check it out - I did)
for immigrants and it pays for child care and all sorts of needs while they
go
to school or training. The one student I just mentioned told me she was not
going to be a US Citizen because she plans to return to the Dominican Republic
someday and that she ‘loves HER country.’
I asked her if she felt guilty taking what the US is giving her and then not
even bothering to become a citizen and she told me that it doesn’t bother
her, because that is what the money is there for!
I asked the CARIBE administration about their program and if you ARE a US
Citizen, you don’t qualify for their program. And all the while, I am
working a full day, my son-in-law works more than 60 hours a week, and everyone
in my family works and pays for our education.
Something is wrong here. I am sorry but after hearing they want to sing the
National Anthem in Spanish - enough is enough. Nowhere did they sing it in
Italian, Polish, Irish (Celtic), German or any other language because of
immigration. It was written by Francis Scott Key and should be sung word for
word the way it was written. The news broadcasts even gave the translation –
not even close.Sorry if this offends anyone but this is MY COUNTRY. IF IT IS
YOUR COUNTRY SPEAK UP — please pass this along. I am not against immigration
– just come through like everyone el
s
e. Get a sponsor; have a place to lay
your head; have a job; pay your taxes, live by the rules AND LEARN THE LANGUAGE
as all other immigrants have in the past — and GOD BLESS AMERICA!
PART OF THE PROBLEM, Think about this: If you don’t want to forward this
for fear of offending someone — YOU’RE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is Time for
America to Speak up If you agree — pass this along, if you don’t agree
—
delete it!
December 9th, 2008
Ok, so there I was today minding my own business, getting ready to enter onto Center Street in Orem from the Smiths Parking lot when this lady swerved right at me, slamming into the front of my new car. She then continued straightway into a large landscape boulder, and came to rest suddenly against a light pole. I couldn’t help but wonder “lady, what the hell…pull your head out.” But, then after a field sobriety test, and her confession that she was hopped up on pills, the officer kindly placed her in cuffs, and stuffed her into the back of his police car (where I made silly faces at her for about 15 minutes until the officer politely told me to stop).
Lady, if you’re going to slam into somebody…at least choose a car with an Obama Sticker on it….no need to Jeopardize the lives of those hard working American’s that actually have a brain.
October 20th, 2008
If you’re like me you’ve wondered what NFL quarterback Michael Vick’s furture will be in the NFL after he serves his sentance on dog fighting charges. Well, a recent ESPN study shows that NFL players that serve prison sentances often change their position after prison. Although the majority of the data from the study is based on wide receivers, I wonder if it can be applied to quarterbacks as well. The study found that 99.8% of NFL players who entered prison as a “Tight End” came out of prison as a “Wide Receiver.” Hmm, I wonder what it is about prison that turns tight ends into wide receivers? Any thoughts?
May 9th, 2008
My fellow Pseudo-Americans:
As your future President I want to thank my supporters, for their … well, support.
Your mindless support of me, despite my complete lack of any legislative achievement, my pastor’s relations with Louis Farrakhan and Libyan dictator Moamar Quadafi, or my blatantly leftist voting record while I present myself as some sort of bi-partisan agent of change.
I also like how my supporters claim my youthful drug use and criminal behavior somehow qualifies me for the Presidency after 8 years of claiming Bush’s youthful drinking disqualifies him. Your hypocrisy is a beacon of hope shining over a sea of political posing.
I would also like to thank the Kennedy’s for coming out in support of me. There’s a lot of glamour behind the Kennedy name, even though JFK started the Vietnam War, his brother Robert illegally wiretapped Martin Luther King, Jr. and Teddy killed a female employee he was having an extra marital affair with who was pregnant with his child. And I’m not going anywhere near the cousins, both literally and figuratively.
And I’d like to thank Oprah Winfrey for her support. Her love of meaningless empty platitudes will be the force that propels me to the White House.
Americans should vote for me, not because of my lack of experience or achievement, but because I make people feel good. Voting for me causes some white folk to feel relieved of their imagined, racist guilt.
I say things that sound meaningful, but don’t really mean anything because Americans are tired of things having meaning. If things have meaning, then that means you have to think about them.
Americans are tired of thinking.
It’s time to shut down the brain, and open up the heart.
So when you go to vote in the primaries, remember don’t think, just do.
And do it for me.
Thank You.
Barack Hussein Obama
P.S. - Oh, and by the way….Hope and Change (not sure how…but nevermind that!).
April 5th, 2008
I read the following story and thought there was a great moral to it. The story goes like this:
“An Oklahoma Commissioner for Environmental Quality stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation, based on the Water Rights bill recently passed.” The old rancher said, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.” The Water representative pulled a card from his pocket and said, “Mister, I have the authority of the State and Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?” The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.
Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence and close behind was the rancher’s bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out “Your card! Your card! Show him your card!”
The moral of the story here is simply that sometimes if we just take the time to truly listen to what others are telling us, we could save ourselves a lot of hassle, headaches, and pain. Take the time to listen to what someone has to say, if you like what they say, internalize it. If not, then let it go in one ear and out the other…but take the time to listen. Isn’t it peculiar how the older we grow, the wiser our parents seem to become. Sure wish I’d listened to them more when I was young.
April 3rd, 2008
so, google just announced a new feature called “custom time” which allows you to send emails to the past by playing with the time stamp on the server. It works like this…lets say you forget to send a report to your boss on time. You can open an email, use custom time to change the date to a previous date…and then send it. it will show that you sent it at the time you specify in the custom time settings. You can even make the email look like its already been read.
The Bad. Well, I think it’s helping people be dishonest and deceptive, which we really don’t need any more of in this country.
The Good. Well, I’m pretty sure it’s just an april fools joke that google is playing on us. I guess we’ll have to wait until tomorrow to see.
But, in the mean time, you can check out my new vinyl lettering site. I think it’ll actually rock harder than the current site…some pretty cool custom vinyl lettering products in there that are brand new.
April 2nd, 2008
Valentines day finds many people expressing their love to that special someone in their lives. I am no different. In fact, today I’ve been reflecting upon how lucky I am to have the love of my life, and the wave of gratitude that comes in realizing all that she does for me and the kids. I’m very thankful for my wife Emma - she is truly the love of my life. This is captured in the card I got her for valentines day…
My wife is wonderful, arguably the most wonderful wife and mother of all time, and deserves more than I could ever give her, but I’m sure happy that she’s mine - I’m happy that she chose me to spend eternity with. That is why this valentines day, my wife is the best valentines day present I could hope for! She blesses my life every day of the year, and I’m lucky to have such a wonderful wife. Happy Valentines Day to me!
February 14th, 2008
Working in internet and technical related fields over the past 10 years I’ve worked with people all from different backgrounds, and with different levels of expertise. With my current business of helping businesses with search engine marketing (SEM) and search engine optimization (SEO), I meet people from all walks of life, and differing levels of technical expertise (or lack thereof). Before I actually talk to someone, I usually know what kind of person I’m dealing with by simply looking at their email address. I think you’ll be amazed at just how much you can learn about a person by simply knowing their email address.
When analyzing someone’s email address there are two separate pieces you need to look at. The first is their username - or the part that comes before the @ sign. The second, is the domain, or the portion that comes after the @ sign. While both will tell you a lot about a person, I’m primarily going to focus on the domain, or the portion of the email address that comes after the @ sign.
Domain
Here is a breakdown of some of the common email domains, along with a key for deciphering what a persons email domain means about them.
- @aol.com = If you ever run into someone using an aol email account, run….run for your lives….you’re dealing with someone who can barely spell email, let alone use it! These are the poster children for the technically challenged. In fact, they probably have to read some type of tutorial each day just to remember how to power on their computer. These are probably the least technically proficient of all computer users. Otherwise, why would they be paying an arm and a leg for the same internet that you can get from other places for 1/4 of the price. Besides the fact that AOL service sucks, why would you ever use their email with so many better options out there for free. Maybe someday they’ll upgrade to hotmail, which is a step up from what they have.
- @hotmail.com = This person is technically challenged in most cases (because they’re still using hotmail). This is probably the first email they ever signed up, and because they haven’t taken the opportunity to upgrade to a better “Free” email account lets you know a couple of things about them. They either are too technically challenged to know how to do it, too lazy, or are “scared” of changing email addresses. Having an email address with @hotmail.com usually denotes a complete novice.
- @yahoo.com = While not quite as technically challenged as those with the @hotmail.com email, those using yahoo.com for their email are not totally challenged technically. I mean, they try…but just fall short. They may have a good working knowledge of computers, but aren’t all together savvy. They’re still in the “wannabe” stage…there’s hope for these people - perhaps someday they’ll become more technically proficient and move on to a bigger and better email account.
- @earthlink.net = Those using earthlink are the paranoid people out there who have bought into the scare tactics of earthlink…yes, spam is everywhere……and if you let them in, the spammers will abduct you and suck out your brain. I’m sure you’ve seen the earthlink commercials….telling you how they alone can protect you from all of the evil spam out there, and that if you don’t get their product…your identity will be stolen and you might get hit by a truck, etc. Keep in mind, when dealing with someone that uses earthlink for their email, you’re dealing with a conspiracy theorist….and yes, they were abducted and violated by aliens….nothing you or I say will change their mind on that. Just nod your head…and agree with them.
- @somecompanyname.com = If the persons private email is the same as their business email…hold onto your shirt (or they might steal it right off your back). You’re probably dealing with a corporate type, and someone who makes no distinction between their personal and private life. They’re probably more business savvy than tech savvy, but have had to acquire a certain amount of technical proficiency in order to advance their career. If you try to carry on a conversation with them, you can practice by talking to a wet paper bag - it’ll be about the same experience.
- @someinternetprovider.com = Those who use the free email that came with your internet, such as @comcast.net, etc, have basically trapped themselves into keeping this service for as long as possible (because if you change providers, your email address goes away!). As such, you’re likely to be dealing with someone who is gullible, and has without a doubt been duped a few times by scams, telemarketers, or get rich quick schemes.
- @gmail.com = a person using Gmail is likely to be technically savvy, and almost always has a Facebook account. In most cases, these users are between 18-35, or have kids who have introduced them to Gmail. These people know their way around the internet, they probably have their own blog, and are most likely into the social networking scene, and are usually quite intelligent.
So, there you have it…the horoscope of email addresses. So, what does your email address say about you?
January 15th, 2008
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